2014 || What I've loved, what I've lost, + what I've learned

The end of a year is always a funny time. We use it as a means to measure success or lack, almost as if it's a literal pinpoint on the maps of our lives - a place from which to take off, a standard from which to grow, a thing from which to be released into some other thing that we expect to always hold more.

The new year.

The other thing that is supposed to sharpen our resolve, refine us into people so much better than the ones we were a mere 24 hours before. The elusive place that keeps all our dreams and plans safe for us until we arrive, sometimes bruised, sometimes beaten, almost always not quite ready, and not quite sure how we got there. This is the magic of New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, and this particular year, I'm ready and willing and glad that the waiting is over.

I entered 2014 as a girlfriend, an au pair, hardly able to center pictures posted on this space and writing with much less diligence. I made promises to myself to read more, to explore more, and the be more open to the world. This New Year's Eve, I'm a wife, currently unemployed due to the status of my visa but looking ahead to career opportunities for which, for the first time in my short but full life, I'm excited. I'm well on my way to residing permanently in Australia, and living in an apartment that has both my husband's and my name on its lease. This blog has grown into a small piece of my heart, unpopular in the grand scheme of the Internet, but special nonetheless. I read at least a dozen new books this year, and though I barely travelled, I found that my glass always seemed to be overflowing.

I count myself successful, but not because of these few, insignificant accolades. I count myself successful because this year gave me valuable, irreplaceable lessons that will not stay behind. I learned to find beauty in the world by seeing beauty in myself, and I learned to see beauty in myself without being told that it's there. I learned that dazzling words aren't always better than simple ones. I learned that things I used to see as weaknesses in my life are, in fact, great strengths. I learned that thinking you know things is different than really knowing things. I learned that I know more than I think and less than I ought to. I learned that the content of my character, the facets of my person, the worth of my identity are nowhere to be found on social media. I learned that I'm passionate and disciplined and ready. And I learned that the things that I've loved and the things that I've lost are all wrapped up in the things that I've learned.

Here's to 2014, the year that saw me refined far more than easy resolutions would have, the year that ushered me in with love and is ushering me out with nothing less, the year that was both everything I wanted and not quite what I expected, the year that was easy and impossible, the year that I saw God like never before. The year that I am ready to leave.

2015, we're ready for you. Ready, and willing, and not waiting.

What did you learn this year?