On being well-rested

I don't have nightmares anymore. Which, you know, doesn't seem like that grand of an accomplishment because I'm 23 and have slept alone and without a night-light for years. Believe me, it's a big deal.

Nightmares are as common for me as ice cream cones are to hot summer days. I crept into my parents' bed for safety until I was at least 8, and it wasn't until my mom told me I'd have to sleep on the floor next to the bed that I stopped (monsters would have had much easier access to me from the floor, obviously). When that fateful day came that Mom and Dad gently insisted I learn to stay in my own bed, I gradually got used to the nightmares. I learned how to recognize when I was dreaming and how to wake myself when my subconscious got too intense. I stopped trying to sleep through the night and got used to waking up three or four times, at least. I stopped thinking people were actually in the room with me when I woke, realizing they were just figments of my imagination, appearing almost like holograms when I was awake enough to realize I had had a nightmare but still sleepy enough to have the images persist. I stopped thinking it was unusual to sleep so restlessly.

Suffice it to say, nightmares and I know each other quite well. I can tell you all about the ones I've had multiple times, from the age of 4 up to my twenties. People are shocked when I tell them I've never slept through the night, I can't sleep without my back to the wall or against a pillow, I have to have a stuffed animal with me to get to sleep. It's just become a part of who I am. So when I got to Australia, I didn't expect it to change.

I sleep through the night now. And I haven't had a nightmare in two months.

At first I attributed it to simply being more tired. Dealing with children can be exhausting, and having such a busy and hectic schedule makes for early bedtimes. But the longer I go, I begin to see that it's more than just weariness.

My heart and mind are at peace, in a way they never have been before. It's not to say I was chronically unhappy before now. Because I wasn't. But something inside me is different, cleaner, newer. I never thought my body would stop battling itself, never thought my mind would be reconciled to the night. But it has, and it has. I am so grateful.

I finally know how to rest.