Cutting slack

In middle school, I was invited to a friend's house for a birthday party. One of the gifts she received was a popular computer game. I remember being particularly excited when her parents said we could all take turns playing it, because my family had yet to get our first home computer. I was so excited, in fact, that I pulled out the classic guests go first routine so that I could play sooner.

At school the following Monday, my friend ignored me. I asked if she was mad at me, to which a go-between informed me that my antics at her party had hurt her feelings. I was utterly devastated (and unaware) that I had hurt her. Apparently, in my inability to articulate myself clearly, my excitement that she had gotten such a cool gift had turned into selfishness.

That girl and I ended up at different high schools, different universities, and lost touch. I saw her a few times before moving to Australia and we exchanged pleasantries, each thrilled for what the other had accomplished and glad for the opportunity to catch up. But I still had this itch to apologize again for that one time at her birthday party when I wasn't nice. She might not remember it, for all I know. But in truth, whenever I think about her, I think about that.

Silly, right?

I think we all have a little of this in us, though. Not just a tendency to what if, but also a tendency to think our mistakes have ruined everything. It's almost as if we'd rather look for reasons to hate ourselves than see easily all the ways in which we are loveable.

As my time as an au pair comes to a close, I find myself replaying moments and days over and over again. I wonder how I could have done things differently, more graciously, better. But why? Truth be told, I've had a fulfilling year. I worked hard and successfully. I grew up a little. I found a lot of joy I'd been hiding from myself. And all the little mistakes have taken little away from this experience, oftentimes even adding something I might have otherwise missed.

So let's just let them go.